File Under Life

Mother’s Day is a tricky holiday for me, sometimes I miss my mom and other days I am still relieved that everything is finally over. Yea, that sounds awful – I grew up with a mother who was mentally ill and who also toward the end was very physically ill. I didn’t have a bad childhood, it was just a different type of normal that we grew accustomed to. Some days she wouldn’t get out of bed, other days she seemed fine and content, one Thanksgiving she threw all of the food away and told us that none of use cared about the Native Americans anyway. It was actually the fine and content days that had us more on edge, always waiting for her to change at any moment. Up and down and up and down and up and down – a different kind of normal. As kids I don’t think it impacts you as much, I don’t think that I really understood until I was 12 or so and even then I didn’t understand – she was just different than other moms. I hated her for not being able to be normal, I pitied her, sometimes I was ashamed of her, I resented her but I really did love her. I truly am who I am today because of her, my empathy, compassion, patience and all of the other good stuff came from her. I learned a lot about being human and that the most important thing in the world isn’t to just be normal. I wouldn’t change my childhood for anything, it was completely bizarre but we did a lot of living. In the end we all found a little bit of peace but once in awhile I know I would give anything for one more bizarre, manic, up and down, just living kinda’ day.

Happy Mother’s Day <3


  • stashy

    It’s good to read a different perspective on Mother’s Day. I know that it’s not necessarily a happy day for everyone. I don’t observe it by choice. Thanks for sharing.

  • Selena Hannah

    I had a similar kind of childhood. My mother is mentally ill but was physically abusive towards me, the only girl in the house. She was jealous and copied everything I did. She bought me clothes too small or too big, so that she could return them and get something for herself. I never really had any toys grow ing up until my mom married again for the fourth time. My step dad adopted me and I loved having a dad around. My mom only got worse from there because all of a sudden she had to buy me clothes and toys. She’d tell me how I wasn’t wanted, a mistake, a rape baby. I’ve heard it all. I had to run away and drop out of college the year I would have graduated. I live with my step dad now and my son. I wish I could have had a different childhood, but it shapes you into who you are. I know now how to never me like her and I spoil my son with all the love I never got. Ill never understand why she hated me so much but loved my brothers to death where she didn’t want them to leave home. She never batted an eye when I left and packed up and was gone by the time she came home.

    • Stella

      Yea, I was certainly very lucky. I flew under her radar, my sisters had a different experience with her and it caused a lot of animosity between my siblings and myself that I was treated different. My dad was definitely a buffer between the kids and her, I cannot imagine him not being around but he then divorced her as soon as we had all moved out. It is sad that people have kids who don’t have the mental capacity to raise them. It is frustrating that people have to recover from their childhoods. But yea, we all learn something from it and I am who I am today because of her. Really too bad but at least you are happy and free to live your life now 🙂

      • Selena Hannah

        It is so true. She tried reaching out but I turned her down. I cannot potentially put my son through that and I’m just done with it. She sent a package of baby clothes, which I returned to the post office and attached a letter to it, saying that she is part of my past and not my future. People might say that’s cruel, but that’s the only way I can live. I used to have health problems related to stress and now, I’m healthy and happy. I know how to be happy and that it wasn’t something I did to deserve not to be loved. I dated the wrong guy who didn’t treat me the way he should have. I got pregnant and he left, which was the best thing for me and Dean. I am such a happy person now. I got my yellow back. And I am keeping it. 🙂

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