Dear Diary: Solitude

It’s November and I have serious beard envy, if I was a male with the ability to grow a beard then I would absolutely do it. Lamenting my beardless woes to my co-worker and she responds; we could do no-shave November. And we could but gross but then also who’s going to see it because I’m single and alone and nobody cares if I shave any part of my body which brings me to today’s topic – being single at 31. AaaaAlllLLL byyyyyy myyySeeelllLffff πŸ˜›

Being single and middle-aged (close enough anyway) doesn’t bother me but people in my life have a keen interest in my newfound solitude and suddenly, everyone has a friend they want me to meet. I’m sure that everyone is just trying to be nice and helpful but I don’t want to meet anyone’s friend, cousin or friend’s cousin because I need to know that I can be alone and be successful. I haven’t been single since college, not that I’ve dated a lot of guys, I’ve just had two long-term relationships that both came to an end. Part of me feels like all of that time and energy was wasted but another part of me can appreciate what the experience taught me. That being said, I used to be one of those people who wondered what was wrong with a person when they were single and 30’ish. So joke’s on me because I can only imagine that my friends and family are wondering the same thing about me at this point. Is there something wrong with me? I mean, maybe, I’m not a serial killer or anything but I can be a lot to handle. I’ve been with someone for the last 6 plus years who mostly accepted who I am but I cannot imagine going on a first date and sharing anything about myself with a total stranger. I feel like there is so much more pressure at my age than at 21 because you have your whole life ahead of you and have time to have fun. It’s all business now, I feel like I would need to show up with a detailed curriculum vitae including credit score, health plan information and medical history to prove that I am a suitable mate. You have to skip all of that favorite movie and canoodling bullshit because who has the time for that!? Well, according to my doctor who is also invested in my relationship status, I could have kids well into my 40’s and still have time.

Which brings me to why I’m a lot to handle. I don’t want kids, I am an anti-natalist which sounds nuts but I just don’t understand how people have kids. I can’t and won’t because I can’t guarantee their happiness or their health or their safety and I won’t take that chance. Other people having kids, fine but it’s not for me. This isn’t really something that you can just work into a conversation and if you do, people generally assume that you just don’t like kids or that you are selfish – neither of which is true. People are surprisingly not accepting of my desire to not have kids, every female in the history of ever should want kids because it’s in our nature, right? But it’s not for me, I don’t feel the urge to have kids. It gets better (or worse), I have a lot of issues with the institution of marriage because of its shady origins. It amazes me that as a society we reject and vilify so much of our history based on our modern principles but everyone seems to want to get married. So why date at all if I don’t really feel the need to get married? Because I think you can be in a happy, healthy, committed relationship without participating in an antiquated ritual and marriage, like college just isn’t for everyone. Can you imagine unloading all of this bullshit onto some poor sap who thought it was a good idea to take a chance on me?! Me neither.

And finally, I don’t want to need someone. I’m fiercely independent, if I have someone in my life it is because I want them there and I think that people want to feel needed. It is important to me to have a relationship built on want and desire rather than a co-dependency. I have a feeling that I am going to be single for a long time and that’s fine with me, it really is. If I meet another anti-natalist, marriage skeptic who doesn’t need me then I’ll consider a first date πŸ˜€

Suez sailor vomits jauntily abaft while waxing parquet decks.


  • lisa anniesette

    If only people knew that being single is kinda great πŸ˜‰ I mean really, the longer I’m unattached the more I enjoy it. And I’m 37 and I’ve been single for sooo long. I still love it. Especially the living alone, would not trade it. That being said, your dating criteria sound 100% reasonable πŸ˜€

    • quitesimplystella

      Right?! I thought that living alone would be the hardest part but it’s the best part! It’s been an enjoyable experience so far, I wish more people would take my word for it πŸ˜‰ I’m glad to find a like-minded individual!! Haha – thank you – I’m ty to be just picky enough but honestly not even looking πŸ–€

  • Selena Hannah (@selenahannah411)

    I am enjoying being single the last 3+ years. I am currently “exploring” a potential relationship, but it’s nothing serious. I don’t want to get married unless the other person is like “Let’s get married.” It isn’t a necessary for me. He has to like one child: mine. He has to be able to be a father to my son BUT I DO NOT WANT ANYMORE CHILDREN. He has to NOT want a child of his own. It was too traumatic and the odds of having another child with autism is higher. I’d rather just enjoy my one challenging kid. Is that selfish? Maybe, but plenty of families come together who already have kids but don’t make anymore. He can come with his own kids too. But I kinda don’t want him to have more than 2 unless he doesn’t have full custody then I’m fine with a full house. I am 26 btw. I know that I will panic when I hit 30, but you now, I am just cruising through life, getting my shit together.

    • quitesimplystella

      Agreed, it just isn’t necessary. I’ve been to so many weddings and I don’t want to be mean but I don’t get it. People can do what they but I feel like everyone wants to project THEIR lifestyle choices on to me, everyone happiness is different. The idea of having a child terrifies, I don’t even think people realize how brave they are on taking a chance with having a baby. I don’t think it’s selfish, you’re doing what’s best for you and your child! Good luck, I think you’ll feel fine at 30 πŸ˜‰

  • Hunida

    You can be single as long as you like! I am so with you on being an anti-natalist. I do not & have never wanted kids. I don’t care if I’m being selfish. πŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ & I know two successful couples who have been together forever without getting married & never plan too! I think you’ll find your one when you want to. β™‘

    • quitesimplystella

      Awww, thank you 😘 I figure if it happens then it happens, if not that’s OK too. Happiness is different for everyone, I appreciate the kind words πŸ–€

  • starringpamela

    Omg this all speaks to meeeeee! Haha I mentioned this to a few classmates recently who actually didn’t try to fight me on it for once and it was such a relief. I don’t care if I get married some day or not, and don’t want kids at all. I don’t hate them, but I just don’t want any myself! I had two people tell me in the break room at work recently that I’ll regret it, I absolutely need to have them, etc. and it annoyed me so much I was like “well boarding school is a thing, right? I could just ship them off and never see them!” just to annoy them back lol. So fun when someone thinks they know what I need more than I do!

    • quitesimplystella

      I’ve been told that too!! I like kids, I love spoiling my nieces and nephews and volunteering with kids but I just don’t need any. It’s difficult for people to accept this πŸ˜‚ It’s fascinating to me that as gender roles and society change, everyone should still want to get married and have kids. It’s kind of backwards but I’m glad to hear that there are others like me πŸ–€

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